loving and losing

a schoolmate very recently passed away.

although i did no more than maybe meet him once or twice before, i do know his girlfriend... and i can only imagine the hellish world she is going through right now. actually i can't even imagine how she might feel.

having just ended what could have been a great relationship, i was left to ponder whatever mixed feelings i had, both for the death and my own break up. it seems shallow, comparing death to a failed relationship, but i guess the whole idea of mortality and the sudden extinguished life made me re-think a lot of things.

i admit to having fantastical and morbid "what-ifs" about love and death. what if i died? what if he died? what would happen to us and how would the survivor handle such a thing? these situations for me were something of pure fiction, because god forbid, it certainly couldn't really happen. well, it did. being so close to such an incident is making me fear, not death itself, but leaving people behind by dying, and the feeling of being abandoned by someone who has passed away.

it's a scary analogy, at least for me. when i think about it, sure. i feel bitter about breaking up with my then-boyfriend (technically he did the breaking). not the sad kind, but the angry kind of bitterness at being abandoned without a sense of vindication. a few days ago, i was thinking about how easy it is for me to love, and how proportionally harder it is for me to let go. i wouldn't say i want him back at this moment, but looking back, it is quite the challenge to unlearn the habits and routines i used to share with him. it takes a lot of adjustment not to see him in everything, or associate every little detail with him, however unconsciously.

when i compare this to how my friend must feel now... god, my own turmoil seems like a happy day next to hers. it must be hard being ripped apart so sudden;ty and violently. there wasn't even as chance to say goodbye.. and it must be worse than any breakup because things were going so well with them and sudden;y it had to end...

i really sympathize with her.. knowing that he can never come back to comfort her.. he hasn't just moved away. he is really gone forever. and i feel really sorry for her loss, because that isnt something you can just let go of instantly. or ever.

my issue with the ex-boy has been put into perspective, and i can't say i feel bad about having to end things. it was probably for the best, even though i don't know what the best is for me. i'm getting along fine, but i guess i can't let go of the fact that i spared a big chunk of my life to share with him, and i can't just forget about that. even though i do abhor him in every way, i can't forget that i did love him truly and sincerely. he's just in another country, but i can't help thinking... how would i feel if i were in my friend's situation? i would be in such a dilemma. losing him once was hurtful enough, but losing him forever is... sad. it would probably be even worse if we were still together. i would feel really really really empty. now i am so afraid to love again, afraid of being left alone again. afradi of being abandoned in all senses. .a cowardly choice, but i was left in a state of such disbelief in "love" that i am too scared to become closer to someone just to lose him anyway.

here i am selfishly thinking about myself when there is a friend in need.. she opened my eyes to the reality of losing someone in a heartbeat.. metaphorically and literally. i am awed by her strength in such a debilitating time, and i admire her for staying strong. maybe someday i will have that same courage. someday.

my heart and condolences go to kathryn, and my prayers to chris, may he rest in peace.

the final sublimation

Monday, February 02, 2009

The Final Sublimation

it seems so much easier when i remind myself that i will never see you again. sometimes it comforts me. and other times it makes me feel more remorseful about what could have been.

your being away is doing much good. i am no longer exposed to your eyes, your laugh, your touch, your smell, your voice. it already feels like it's been forever since it ended, and there is nothing else i feel but bitterness at how it came to a sudden stop with no explanation and no vindication.

you'll be back again. once. but i don't want to see you. after that, i'm pretty sure you'll leave forever, leaving no remnant, no mark of you ever being in my life. it's better that way, i guess.

what kills me is how one sided everything was before it ended. here i thought we were doing so well, but i guess it was different from your side of the world. maybe one day you'll learn to consider things beyond yourself. understand that just because things aren't convenient for you, it doesn't mean others have given up like you.

i'm trying to move on from the fact that i hate you too much. i hate that you could give up so easily without so much as a fight. i hate that you didn't do anything about it. i did try, you know. but you blocked every effort, possibly consciously, and that's what hurt the most. knowing that we had no excuses except that you couldn't, you refused to go on anymore. it wasn't fair that we hadn't even been fighting. it wasn't fair that nothing seemed to be wrong. it wasn't fair that you had to drop the bomb just like that. i would have liked it more if you cheated, if you hit me, if you shot me point blank. it would have hurt a lot less than now. because there doesn't seem to be a good reason for everything to have fallen apart, except that selfish admission of yours. that you simply couldn't handle it. that your feelings weren't the same anymore. that there were obviously problems.

but then again, you made those problems on purpose. not talking to me, being busy, being insensitive and non-existent. you wanted things to break down so we could end it already.

i hate you for being so childish. so juvenile. for wanting the easy way out. for letting five years melt down the drain. now i'm not even sure how much of that time you actually meant what you said and did. because it's hard to believe someone sincere could let go so easily. it could only mean you didn't think much of what we used to have.


"if it doesn't work out, at least we could say we tried, right?"..

yeah, you really tried, didn't you.


a few months back, i would have said we could be friends no matter what. but now.. i guess i never thought you could hit so low. but you did. and that's what disappoints me. and i hate you for that. i did love you, and that's why i hate you even more.


"super serial"?
"if you love something, you love it regardless of circumstances"?


yeah, fuck that shit.


you were everything i never thought i wanted. and i could never be happier, knowing that you can't haunt me anymore, being so far away from me as you have always been. you can't hurt me anymore.