a schoolmate very recently passed away.
although i did no more than maybe meet him once or twice before, i do know his girlfriend... and i can only imagine the hellish world she is going through right now. actually i can't even imagine how she might feel.
having just ended what could have been a great relationship, i was left to ponder whatever mixed feelings i had, both for the death and my own break up. it seems shallow, comparing death to a failed relationship, but i guess the whole idea of mortality and the sudden extinguished life made me re-think a lot of things.
i admit to having fantastical and morbid "what-ifs" about love and death. what if i died? what if he died? what would happen to us and how would the survivor handle such a thing? these situations for me were something of pure fiction, because god forbid, it certainly couldn't really happen. well, it did. being so close to such an incident is making me fear, not death itself, but leaving people behind by dying, and the feeling of being abandoned by someone who has passed away.
it's a scary analogy, at least for me. when i think about it, sure. i feel bitter about breaking up with my then-boyfriend (technically he did the breaking). not the sad kind, but the angry kind of bitterness at being abandoned without a sense of vindication. a few days ago, i was thinking about how easy it is for me to love, and how proportionally harder it is for me to let go. i wouldn't say i want him back at this moment, but looking back, it is quite the challenge to unlearn the habits and routines i used to share with him. it takes a lot of adjustment not to see him in everything, or associate every little detail with him, however unconsciously.
when i compare this to how my friend must feel now... god, my own turmoil seems like a happy day next to hers. it must be hard being ripped apart so sudden;ty and violently. there wasn't even as chance to say goodbye.. and it must be worse than any breakup because things were going so well with them and sudden;y it had to end...
i really sympathize with her.. knowing that he can never come back to comfort her.. he hasn't just moved away. he is really gone forever. and i feel really sorry for her loss, because that isnt something you can just let go of instantly. or ever.
my issue with the ex-boy has been put into perspective, and i can't say i feel bad about having to end things. it was probably for the best, even though i don't know what the best is for me. i'm getting along fine, but i guess i can't let go of the fact that i spared a big chunk of my life to share with him, and i can't just forget about that. even though i do abhor him in every way, i can't forget that i did love him truly and sincerely. he's just in another country, but i can't help thinking... how would i feel if i were in my friend's situation? i would be in such a dilemma. losing him once was hurtful enough, but losing him forever is... sad. it would probably be even worse if we were still together. i would feel really really really empty. now i am so afraid to love again, afraid of being left alone again. afradi of being abandoned in all senses. .a cowardly choice, but i was left in a state of such disbelief in "love" that i am too scared to become closer to someone just to lose him anyway.
here i am selfishly thinking about myself when there is a friend in need.. she opened my eyes to the reality of losing someone in a heartbeat.. metaphorically and literally. i am awed by her strength in such a debilitating time, and i admire her for staying strong. maybe someday i will have that same courage. someday.
my heart and condolences go to kathryn, and my prayers to chris, may he rest in peace.
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