the final sublimation

Monday, February 02, 2009

The Final Sublimation

it seems so much easier when i remind myself that i will never see you again. sometimes it comforts me. and other times it makes me feel more remorseful about what could have been.

your being away is doing much good. i am no longer exposed to your eyes, your laugh, your touch, your smell, your voice. it already feels like it's been forever since it ended, and there is nothing else i feel but bitterness at how it came to a sudden stop with no explanation and no vindication.

you'll be back again. once. but i don't want to see you. after that, i'm pretty sure you'll leave forever, leaving no remnant, no mark of you ever being in my life. it's better that way, i guess.

what kills me is how one sided everything was before it ended. here i thought we were doing so well, but i guess it was different from your side of the world. maybe one day you'll learn to consider things beyond yourself. understand that just because things aren't convenient for you, it doesn't mean others have given up like you.

i'm trying to move on from the fact that i hate you too much. i hate that you could give up so easily without so much as a fight. i hate that you didn't do anything about it. i did try, you know. but you blocked every effort, possibly consciously, and that's what hurt the most. knowing that we had no excuses except that you couldn't, you refused to go on anymore. it wasn't fair that we hadn't even been fighting. it wasn't fair that nothing seemed to be wrong. it wasn't fair that you had to drop the bomb just like that. i would have liked it more if you cheated, if you hit me, if you shot me point blank. it would have hurt a lot less than now. because there doesn't seem to be a good reason for everything to have fallen apart, except that selfish admission of yours. that you simply couldn't handle it. that your feelings weren't the same anymore. that there were obviously problems.

but then again, you made those problems on purpose. not talking to me, being busy, being insensitive and non-existent. you wanted things to break down so we could end it already.

i hate you for being so childish. so juvenile. for wanting the easy way out. for letting five years melt down the drain. now i'm not even sure how much of that time you actually meant what you said and did. because it's hard to believe someone sincere could let go so easily. it could only mean you didn't think much of what we used to have.


"if it doesn't work out, at least we could say we tried, right?"..

yeah, you really tried, didn't you.


a few months back, i would have said we could be friends no matter what. but now.. i guess i never thought you could hit so low. but you did. and that's what disappoints me. and i hate you for that. i did love you, and that's why i hate you even more.


"super serial"?
"if you love something, you love it regardless of circumstances"?


yeah, fuck that shit.


you were everything i never thought i wanted. and i could never be happier, knowing that you can't haunt me anymore, being so far away from me as you have always been. you can't hurt me anymore.